Agra = Dump

Upon visiting the Taj Mahal I can’t help but think that if Shah Jahan had realised what an absolute shitheap of a city would in the future sprout up around his enduring monument to love, he’d have decided “Fuck this lads, let’s build a casino instead”. If the Taj Mahal is an embodiment of heaven on earth then, continuing the Biblical theme, it follows that the city which surrounds it is a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah. It’s a sprawling, polluted and overpopulated mess and it’s home to India’s most persistent and downright beligerent tuk-tuk drivers - the only bunch I‘ve encountered so far who either don‘t understand or choose to ignore the words “Fuck off, I‘m walking“.

Getting to Agra is the easy part, getting in to see the Taj is where the difficulties begin. 99% of the people who flock to see the Taj are Indian tourists and they flock there in very large numbers indeed. This doesn’t initially present a problem as there’s a ticket booth for foreigners, meaning that I have my golden ticket within seconds. The Indian queue, however, stretches quite literally for about a mile whilst I can walk to the head of the tourist queue unmolested. There’s a guy who loiters right beside where the tourist ticket booth is situated and who, upon your arrival, explains to you that you really should join the tourist queue because it would be quicker. Remarkably he expects a tip for this blindingly obvious information. I tell him that if we didn’t breathe then we’d die and therefore feel as if my debt of mutually useless information to him has been settled.

I imagine that I’ve done the hard work upon securing the entry ticket but of course it‘s not as easy as that. I join the queue for admission - alas this time there’s no line for foreigners - and begin the walk to the end of the line quickly realising that there are hundreds of people in this line and - in typically Indian style - there are only three people checking tickets and one of those works solely on the ladies queue. Fortunately there are three gates at which you can enter the site and I move around to the South Gate meaning that the queuing time is cut in half. Skipping the queue in this country is seen almost as a rite of passage but there’s a burly Indian two places behind me who’s not having any of it - if he‘s queuing then everyone else will queue too. Three guys decide to wriggle their way in front of me, hoping to be sheltered by the westerner but The Enforcer is on to them immediately, his meaty finger tapping them on the shoulder pointing to exactly where the queue begins.

It takes about half an hour of queuing but then I’m inside making my way towards the impossibly grand gate in front of the Taj and then……..there it is. Phew. It is every bit as beautiful as you’d imagine, almost surreal in its wedding cake-esque perfection. And it’s very fucking white. So now you know. There are people swooning and cooing everywhere, not that you’d notice as the Taj holds your attention completely for the first five minutes that you’re there.

Once you’ve taken all the money shots there’s also the chance to join a queue to get inside the Taj. Now, initially I’m of the opinion that I don’t need to get inside as I’m here to marvel at the exterior but the length of the queue suggests that I may be missing out on something special inside and so I reluctantly join. Big mistake. If you happen to have chanced upon this page because you’re thinking of visiting the Taj Mahal, a word of advice - under no circumstances do you want to or need to go inside. As with all Indian queues, the closer you get to the front, the further you seem to go back. All I remember about the inside of the Taj is the crush of bodies being hastily ushered to the exit by bearded, turbaned and whistle happy guards.

Of course no visit to Agra would be complete without a visit to its famous fort. Er, except, it would actually. Impressive as it surely is, Agra fort pales in comparison with the forts of Jaisalmer and Jodhpur, both of which tower over the cities in which they were constructed, which is, when you think about it, exactly what a fort should do. But not in Agra’s case. The fort is positioned at what could only be described as the bottom of a basin. Sure the building itself is impressive but with thoughts turning to an impending visit to the Taj just down the road, it doesn’t leave any lasting impression.